Is it just me, or does putting on a Band-Aid feel like one of the least-masculine things a guy can do? There are a few reasons for this. First, you’re giving in to the fact that you have a wound that won’t heal by itself. I don’t know if this is a universal man thing, but I’m sure I’m not the only man (or rough woman) who feels some kind of pride in having cuts, bruises, missing limbs, etc that are “no big deal.” You know, you get slashed on the arm with a butcher knife, everyone’s rushing around, freaking out, trying to call 911, and you just look at it, shrug, and say “eh, no problem” and continue eating your steak. With your hands. That’s right, baby. You’re a man. It will heal on its own. You don’t need no medical attention or first aid! You got this on lockdown. I think this is the main reason why Wolverine is so popular. Sure the cigar addiction, razor-sharp claws, and blue Ludwig von Koopa hair all help, but when you get down to it, he’s awesome because he can get hit in the chest by a bazooka point-blank and stand right back up to bone a super model.

Where was I? Oh yeah, putting on a band-aid feels really wussy for another reason, and that’s because the actual, physical act of putting the thing on looks totally retarded. I will admit it: I put a band-aid on tonight for the first time in a long while (years?), after ripping a gaping wound open on my arm region*. Even though I was alone in my apartment I could tell how ridiculous it must have looked. To start, you have this little box, then individually wrapped tiny plastic and wax packages that each holds a small strip of sticky fabric. Already this sounds lame, right?. Then you have to unpeel the band-aid and take off the white plastic tabs, which, thanks to static cling, will without fail, 100% of the time get stuck on your hand when you try to throw it away. Then you’re there fluttering your hand trying to get the thing off, adding more to the ridiculousness. Just think about it again: you’re putting a little sticker on your injury in hopes that it will heal you. It’s just a fancy sticker! It’s no substitute for mutant healing factor.

hey bub

Yeah, putting on a Band-Aid makes you a total woman.

*blister on my thumb