TheLeong.com

What’s Turkey Day without turkey? Well, just a regular old day here in Japan. I worked late, grabbed some Burger King in Funabashi after my lesson, and pretty much had the most un-festive Thanksgiving ever. Oh well.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, especially those who are able to eat turkey and pig out on this day like you should. I’ll be sure to eat twice as much turkey come Christmas in St. Louis.

Oh, and on a 500% completely different subject, have you ever seen a deaf person talk on a cell phone? I think I saw it for the first time today. No, I’m not talking about someone partially deaf screaming into a handset. Since a lot of Japanese cell phones have video conference-ish cameras, you can do video calls. The guy I saw outside the station was signing at his phone. At first I thought it was some crazy guy trying to hex his phone, but I’m pretty sure he was using sign language (with 1 hand?).

On Thursday I went in before work to a clinic near my office for a routine physical (kenkou shindan, 健康診断 in Japanese). My company arranged for everyone to get free checkups, so I figured I might as well. I had never gotten a physical here in Japan, so for some reason I was expecting a series of futuristic exams and machines similar to what you’d see on a TV show. Unfortunately, the exam ended up seeming more like something out of Welcome Back Kotter than Star Trek.

When I came in, first I told them my name, and they gave me my file. Since my company already had everyone’s reservations made, I assume they also handled any other paperwork. I had a 2-page short questionnaire with the basic medical history stuff like “have you been stomped by Godzilla in the past year,” but other than that and my name, they asked nothing. Not my birth date, not if I was feeling sick or not, nothing else. I take my little file to another counter, where they explain to me the… how do I say this medically? Oh yeah, the piss test. So instead of a plastic medical-looking cup with a locking lid like I’m used to in the States, they hand me a paper Dixie cup with my name written on it in Sharpie. I was instructed to go into the bathroom, do my biznass, and put the sample in the small closet in the toilet stall. Yeah. Instead of putting a lid on the cup and handing it to a nurse, I was instructed to put my cup into a little cabinet. Along with like 7 other peoples pee! W. T. F. So things were already getting weird.

Next I go sit in the waiting lobby and talk to one of my co-workers who was there at the same time. After a few minutes I get called into the next station of fun: the x-ray room. This room looked more like a boiler room with a giant 1930’s printing press. There was a very industrial feel to this room, complimented by the enormous, multi-section beige-colored x-ray equipment. The crazy looking old Japanese dude started speaking in horribly broken English, telling me to take off my jacket and step up to the chest x-ray machine, which looked like an old-school refrigerator. That was pretty weird. I don’t even know if that was an x-ray machine, he might have just wanted me to hug his fridge. The technician never even left the room during the x-ray. He actually was standing right behind me. I’m sure this contributed to his craziness, being blasted multiple times an hour with radiation.

After that there was some more waiting before the next round of stuff. They did my weight, height, blood pressure, hearing, and eyes, which were all pretty much routine and nothing special. After that, there was more waiting followed by “the doctor.” From my past experience with doctors offices, all the little tests and stuff were first, followed by the actual examination with a doctor, who does all the real stuff. This would also be the time they actually give you any advice, etc., and make you feel like you were really being checked up.

Here, however, the “doctor” (I don’t know if he was a doctor, I’m just assuming so) checked me with a stethoscope then… told me I was done. That was it. I literally spent 5 minutes or less with the doctor then I was sent home. I did feel kind of ripped off. They’re supposedly going to send me my results later at work. Maybe it will have a sweet picture of me hugging a fridge with a creepy glowing man behind me.

I also want to mention that this clinic had a “members club” area behind a curtained hallway. What does that mean? I have no idea. Maybe you get a real x-ray and a real doctor’s advice. And maybe even a lid for your pee cup.

I’ve been using iTunes for a long time now, especially after getting an iPod a few years back. I’m overall happy with it. It’s getting pretty annoying though, since recently it seems every week there’s a new software update. This is even weirder for me considering the program has been more or less the same for the past 4 years, save for minor improvements and “features” like the Genius playlists – a sweet gimmick but something I suspect I will never use in my entire life.

And NO I don’t want to download Safari! Lay off it, Apple.

Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld where George kept trying to get everyone at his office to call him T-Bone, but he instead got stuck with Koko? Like many episode of 90’s television, “The Maid” taught us a very important lesson, one that is all too often forgotten or overlooked by adults today. This lesson is that you can’t choose your own nickname.

This is one of the many thousands of small things that slightly irritate me in my daily life. It doesn’t really come up too much in work situations, but in social circles it’s much more prominent (and annoying). It’s even worse when you start meeting friends of friends of friends*, etc. It’s a simple rule – you can’t choose your own nickname. We all know that I love nicknames, but there’s just something wrong with choosing your own. I think this is due in part to it being a scientific fact that over 60% of nicknames are derogatory and something don’t really want to be called, and if someone’s going to make their own nickname, it’s going to be a lot closer to Iron Man Johnson than Mac ‘n’ Cheese. If you try to give yourself a nickname that makes you sound better, everyone will automatically assume you’re some kind of arrogant retard. It just doesn’t work. I don’t care if you yourself think the nickname is cute/funny/ironic/a social commentary. You want a nickname that bad? Just give me a minute.

Of course some exceptions may exist, but it’s overall that’s a very rare occurrence. It’s indeed amazing if someone creates or suggests a nickname for themselves that is then accepted by the general population. Further study is needed.

Where was I going with this? Nowhere.

*Yes, there is a single person who triggered this post. I won’t divulge names though.

I wish there was a way I could silently take pictures with my phone, but there’s not because too many Japanese guys take upskirt shots of middle school girls. Thus, it’s mandatory for Japanese phones to make a shutter noise. There’s no option to shut it off.

Anyways I’m writing this on my phone as I ride the Sobu line train towards Funabashi. The dude standing across from me looks like a young Japanese Rob Schneider if you can picture it. He has a really short buzz cut, a purse, tight holy jeans, huge buckled boots, a diagonal referee t-shirt, and is carrying a grandma shirt over his arm (probably for if it gets “a lil’ chilly willy”). But worse of all he is listening to his headphones and making this creepy child molester face. Not just smiling, but constantly making slight movements with his eyebrows and mouth as if he were Roseanne listening to the waitress at Golden Corral describe the specials. He is also doing the Night at the Roxbury dance. That’s Japan for you.

Aaaand he just got off at Tsudanuma.

I’m so grateful this country I’m living in has the natural wonder that is the Japanese Four Seasons*. Only Japan has a full spectrum of 4 distinct seasons. This may be hard for you to comprehend but let’s take a look at them:

• His Holy Majesty the Emperor’s Winter
• Graceful Dance of the Falling Cherry Blossoms Spring
• Who Needs Central AC When You Have Paper Fans Summer
• OMFG Nippon is the Greatest Country in the Galaxy Our Leaves Change Color Fall**

No other country in the world has the vast diversity in climates that Japan has, since every other country is blanketed in a single season year-round. For example: frigid cold (Canada), blazing sunshine (Australia), pollution and poisonous food (China), or gunfire (America).

The sad thing is there are some Japanese people who think something close to this. OK, maybe with less Pokemon and yeti, but the four seasons myth is something you hear far too often. Japanese people think their country is so special, a magical land that surely no other place on this planet could come close to. Yeeeeah. I’ve been asked multiple times if there is winter in St. Louis, as if the US is some alien planet devoid of temperature fluctuations. Old people, as usual, are even worse.

And before anyone starts thinking to themselves “they were probably just asking if the winter is cold, or how cold, or about the specific climate.” They weren’t. There’s no excuse.

*The terms “Japanese,” “Four,” and ” Seasons” are copyright 711 BC Emperor Jimmu, founder of Japan and direct descendant of the Sun God Amaterasu

**Alternatively referred to as OMFG Nippon is the Greatest Country in the Galaxy Our Leaves Change Color Autumn