I’m sitting at my house in St. Louis, watching MSNBC with my parents. I don’t really think I’ve sat and watched daytime television in a very long time. This channel must also be aimed towards old people, because one thing sticks out from watching TV any other time of the day: the HORRIBLE commercials. In about 30 minutes, I’ve seen some of the worst and most ridiculous commercials I’ve seen in the past 22 years and 5 days (note, that’s how long it’s been since I was born). And yes, this includes Japanese commercials, which are also retarded but amusing at the same time.
First one that sticks out was one of those generic law firm commercials, which says they cover personal injury law. Castle Law is the one that they always play in Indiana I think, with the really pissed off old guy. Maybe Keller & Keller? Anyways, I saw one today with the exact same set, script, graphics, and everything. Except instead of the pissed off old guy, it was WILLIAM SHATNER. Come on! (said in the Arrested Development GOB voice). Who is going to call a law firm just because James T. Kirk is pitching it? That’s right, stupid gullible old people. Poor old people who watch this stuff all day. All of these commercials are targeted to screw the old people. They don’t even try to make their commercials good, because they know they’re gonna hook some old people either way. I also saw a hip replacement commercial, weight loss plans, joint replacement, and about a million other health/medicine/life insurance ones. Still waiting on the viagra one.
The one that was the worst, and prompted me to write this blog, was for a little device called the Pasta Express. The fat lady in the commercial promises that it will make cooking pasta (also vegetables and more!) so much easier. Thank goodness! Because it’s so freaking hard to boil water and make noodles. I do it about 3 times a week and I’m not complaining. And I complain a lot. So let me try and summarize this modern marvel.
First, you take the plastic device, that looks like a tall plastic tube, and put your pasta, vegetables, human heads, whatever, into it. Then you boil water (in what, who knows), and pour it into the tube. Wow. Don’t ask me why you wouldn’t just boil water and pour in your pasta (ie, the NORMAL way). So let’s keep going with this wonder device. After pouring in your water, and scalding yourself in the process, you put a plastic strainer lid on the top of the tube. Then you put another lid on top of that, and watch as your pasta time-lapse cooks and becomes limp (no joke inserted here, it would be too easy). Then when you’re pasta is done, you take off the first lid, and shake out the water with the AMAZING plastic strainer lid. Note that since the lid likely sucks, and is getting pushed with a whole plastic tube full of pasta, your pasta will likely fall into the sink, wasting your $20 and also your $2 box of linguini. If you somehow keep your noodles in the tube and strain the water out, then you can take off the strainer lid and pour your pasta onto a plate.
That’s that. You can also pour sauces, butter, cheese, etc into the thing and really mess up your strainer lid. But that’s not important (nor the point). No, this product is made for old people who are easily fooled by the time lapse footage and think this device is some kind of magic time trap that will cook your pasta in 10 seconds like the commercial showed. Can you imagine pouring boiling water into a skinny plastic tube (and actually making it all in?), then expecting it to cook a tube that is completely full of dry spaghetti, and waiting an hour while the water cools off and you’re left with a tube of half-cooked pasta. Yay.
Old people: since I know so many of you read my blog here at TheLeong.com, please listen to my wise advice. Don’t order anything from daytime TV infomercials, let alone this pasta tube. It won’t cook your noodles, you will scald your hands, and you will be left limp and unsatisfied (I’m talking about the pasta, you perverts).
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